


Am i real or just fantasy?

by KiwiPillow



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Canonical Character Death, Drinking & Talking, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Funny, Heavy Angst, I'm Bad At Titles, Identity Issues, Jealousy, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, My First Work in This Fandom, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sorry Not Sorry, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 17:49:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17349773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiwiPillow/pseuds/KiwiPillow
Summary: A few months into the filming of Bohimean Rhapsody, Rami starts to experience dreams, where he meets Freddie, it's their only way of communication.Trying to decide if they are truly just dreams, him visiting afterlife, or entering another god damn dimension, Rami keeps quiet, until some of his co-actors start to experience strange dreams as well.Do Brian and Roger know about this?And could maybe Deaky elaborate on the situation?





	1. Chapter 1

It was late.

Very late, in fact. How late? He didn't really know. Or care. He did care. But, in a sense, he didn't. He had an alarm clock set, it would scream him into reality, whether he slept, or not.

The bed he was laying on was very soft, it dug him deeper into the depths of slumber, and it smelled fairly good, for a hotel mattress. It was a five star hotel after all, and as a "celebrity" they called him, his situation was fairly comfortable. But, he didn't want to sleep.

His stomach twisted in an ugly way, like a disqusting parasite, his head, swimming in thoughts that didn't belong in his brain... He did overthink things. It was a normal humanly function to second guess things that usually didn't hold too much importance, but, he then again second guessed if the matter truly was worthy enough to second guess.

A mess. He was a mess, but luckily, he was very skilled at his job. Acting. He could easily clear it up, and makeup was to be set on his face anyway, it would cover the dark bags under his eyes, and acting, and coffee would take care of the rest.

But, nature would find a way. He knew it, of course he knew that! His body would eventually force him into sleep. And he would have to face _him_. In his dreams, he was waiting.

He was... _everything_. Everything Rami expected. He was... indescribable. But he is scary. It's scary, it makes Rami loose his sanity slowly, bit by bit, and it's painful. But Rami knows _he_ isnt trying to hurt him. Rami is doing this to himself, but he doesnt know how to stop it...

Rami let's out a tired groan, swallowed by a large yawn. So tired.. he was going to fall asleep eventually. 

Trying to distract himself, Rami attempted to think back to when this started happening.. was it maybe two months ago? Or three?..


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gshshsghs peeps actually like this? And that makes me happy?? Like, really happy.

The shooting had started. Rami's whole heart was filled with pure happiness, mixed with his messy anticipation , that looked just professional enough on his always calm looking face.

Was his face good enough for this? Now that the subject was brought up..  God, he was over thinking it again. Inhaling, and exhaling, feeling his body tense, and relax, Rami cleared his throat, and finally exited the dressing room.

He mostly spent his time around Joe. Not that he didn't wish to speak with the rest of his co-actors, but the start was always a bit slow. The relationships would start to develop soon anyway, the cast was bound to get close from the relations of their roles, but Rami already knew Joe personally, and enjoyed his company.

Joe was funny, and shorter than Rami, even though by only an inch maybe, but it managed to bring some joy into Rami's heart, even though he didn't care for his, or anyone's height too much, but it was always fun to joke around. Joe also was extremely talented, no doubt the rest of his cast members were, Rami just knew Joe's abilities a bit better, or so he had thought. Joe apparently was always up to surprising, and no matter how much before-hand-prep Joe had gotten, Rami couldn't belive he was already nailing the bass. 

Something that Rami had also taken notice of, was that, his co-actors had taken much inspiration from the legends they were able to work with. Well, obviously they were, May and Taylor were here to god damn inspire, but Rami, couldn't help but to feel something in the pit of his stomach, with every conversation he had with May, or Taylor. 

He couldn't exactly lay a finger on it though. And the amount of work he had to do, was excellent distraction.

 

____________________

 

"-Live Aid!? We _start,_ with Live Aid? Is that a joke, are you joking, why!?" Of course he wasn't too mad. Obviously, they weren't too shocked, neither of them were, but the dramatic reaction from Ben was enough to make the people around laugh. 

"Well, aye, it makes sense, don't it? If we suck, they are just gonna cut the act, and we go home." Joe answered, in his perfectly accurate "Deaky voice", that he had used the whole day by now. "Well I mean, I guess so, but isn't that, I mean... - ugh yeah, you're right." "Better believe I am." Chuckling at the response Rami shook his head. The fake teeth were making things a tad bit harder, but Rami knew he would get used to them. They were the gem, after all.

"God, you look strange. In a good way! I meant-" Gwilym stuttered, the fluffy mess of hair, bouncing on his greek-god like face, as Rami chuckled and shook his head. "No no darling, i get it, and i know I look beautiful. You don't look too bad yourself dear." He smiled as Joe and Ben shared an amused look. "What was that look for?" "Nah, don't worry about it Ram, let's go out there an' do our god damn best!" Ben hyped up, as Brian's, proud voice from somewhere behind them, they didn't have enough time to look back, yelled "go get em boys! Get em get em!"

____

"You reek bruv." "Thanks Ben, didn't notice." Rami scoffed as Joe snickered from the side of the dressing room, taking off his sneakers as Rami slid out the fake teeth, Gwilym, from his side, cringing at the saliva, but Rami didn't pay too much attention to that. That's what you get, for stepping on my toe before entering the "stage". "You three could easily change in your own damn dressing rooms, so don't you whine." "I didn't whine! I pointed it out." Ben mumbled and attempted to pull off his sweat stained shirt, which he after some wrestling finally got off.

"You know.." broke the silence, as all of the boys turned around to the source of the silence breaker. "Yeah? Rami? Everything alright?" Joe asked softly as Gwilym's encouraging nod brought a some sort of feeling inside Rami's chest. Get it together man. "Well I mean... look, obviously, you guys are talented as hell...-" "worrying start." "Shush up Ben, let him finish." "-... you guys are talented as hell. But, Ben, and Gwil,-" the two shared worried looks between eachother, as Rami inhaled, "- you have,  _reference,_ I suppose, Brian and Roger. And Joe, even though Deaky isn't exactly in contact, you've talked to him through, email, or something, look, the point I'm trying to make is..-" Rami felt his shoulders tense, as he exhaled, heavily, running his fingers through his sweat damp hair, as the three anticipating looks shouldn't have made him feel so anxious. He was an actor for fuck sake, eyes on him was what he lived for. 

"I don't know if I'm doing  _anything_ right. .. I, don't know, if-if  _anything_ that I do is correct, I don't KNOW! .. I dont know if HE would have wanted this, would have wanted me." "Rami..-" "no, Joe, look, I just... sorry, sorry, I got carried away, my point behind all this is, don't you...you all, feel.. pressured?" Rami asked, his voice quiet, while Joe slowly turned to look at Ben and Gwilym. " ..Rami.." Joe mumbled, accent long gone by now, as Gwilym inhaled and exhaled slowly. 

"..hey, I .. i don't know what's gonna happen, but, what I know is, that we have Roger's and Brian's full support. And, if those two legends support us, then, I'm absolutely positive Freddie would have supported us as well. I'm sure he does now, where ever he is." Gwilym stated slowly, taking long pauses between words sometimes as Ben and Joe nodded in agreement.

Rami inhaled and nodded, first slowly, and then doing a final sharp nod, as he fixed his posture and smiled. "You're right darling. You are absolutely correct. There's no time to think about these things, right? We have some legacy to ensure." Rami smiled as the smiles of his _friends_ made his chest feel a bit bigger. "How about a drink? To get all of the adrenaline of today out of our systems." Rami asked, putting on his normal wear leather jacket, as Ben let out a noise of enthusiastic agreement, along with Gwilym's humm and Joe's chuckle. Rami smiled and nodded his head "Alright then! My treat! Let's get some drinks! Although I cannot wait to get to  ** _sleep_** __after such a long day.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, for God's sake, it seems I can't make longer chapters


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Name "Sledgehammer" is a reference to a series Joe and Rami acted in called "The Pacific"♡ hopefully u like the chapter!!! Sorry it took long lmao, I uh
> 
> I suck. :)

  
The hotel room, was luxurious. But luxury becomes normality when its everywhere, all the time. But Rami wasn't complaining, of course he wasn't, all he just wanted to do, was to lay his heavy head onto a pillow and sleep, until his damn alarm would wake him.  
  
Joe's room was directly next to his, when Ben's room was one floor down, and Gwilym's one floor up. Joe and Rami had had enough time to plan their rooms right next to eachother, when Ben and Gwilym had unfortunately had to make their reservations on their own.   
  
Rami sighed and pulled his shirt over his head, humming, as his reflection in the mirror, thankfully, made the same movements. His body was toned, built, and, enough. It was enough. For Rami at least. Taking off his watch, and starting to work on his pants, his attention span was disrupted by the buzzing of his phone. A text message. Rami wobbled awkwardly in his tight jeans to his phone, and with closer inspection, the text was from Joe.   
  
Joe has sent a message:  
  
**Joe: hey man! Hopefully you're gonna get some sleep tonite. You are stressed, it shows, and sleep is gonna do wonders. 😉 Just take it easy bud, see u in the morning. - Joe(Bri)**  
  
   
  
Chuckling to himself, Rami texted back quickly   
  
  
**You: Yeah, thanks Jo. <3 yeah, been stressed, as you probably saw from my outburst. Thanks for your support man, means a lot. But we got through the war Sledgehammer, and I'm not backing down because I'm a little insecure. **  
  
Rami hummed and pressed 'sent', as he wriggled out of his jeans, and while he waited for Joe's reply, Rami tumbled into the bathroom, checking himself from the mirror one last time, before he washed his teeth, and exited, shutting off the lights, and throwing his limp, yet somehow tense body onto the bed, chuckling a little at how he bounced,  on the mattress.   
  
Reaching his arm to grab his phone off the nightstand, humming and opening the message that Joe had sent him two minutes ago.  
  
**Joe: haha! Damn right! Freddie Mercury isn't going to stop you! The opposite mate! I'm sure he's hella proud of you man. All of us are. All the best! Sleep well.**  
  
Rami hummed and sent back a short:  
  
**Night**.😴😜  
  
Before he put his phone down and flipped onto his back, staring at the white painted ceiling. "...Can..." a soft start to a melody came from Rami's lips, as he inhaled sharply, the room quiet, as if waiting for him to continue. "...anybody..... find.. me.... somebody.. to..." "love."  
  
Rami shot up. His eyes, frantically searched the room in an attempt of trying to find whoever finished his attempt of a song, the darkness, bringing a soft sense of familiar anxiety, that made Rami's breathing rapid, and almost frantic.  
He wasn't a stupid blonde girl from a typical horror movie. That spot was kept open for Ben, as Rami kept quiet. He wasn't about to yell out a quivering "h-hello!?" into the darkness of the hotel room, instead, he continued to sit on his bed, frozen, listening to any sound, breathing, shifting, anything.   
But he heard nothing. The room was quiet, and all Rami heard was the rapid beating of his heart, his soft breathing, and the sounds of honking cars driving outside his hotel window. .. was it just his imagination?   
It's not like it was a too far of a stretch, Rami was exhausted out of his mind.   
After a brief five minutes of sitting and listening, Rami found the courage to stand up, and investigate the whole hotel apartment, and to his... either fortunate or unfortunate surprise to find, nothing. No one. Just him. Just Rami.   
He plopped himself back into the bed, staring up at the ceiling once again, and feeling the sensation of dejavu.   
"I'm not singing again. Fuck you." Rami muttered quite stupidly to himself, and forced himself to close his eyes. Forced himself to fall..asleep. fall asleep. Fall asleep. Fall asleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.  
  
  
"You really do need the rest, you know that, right darling?"  
It was bright. Like, waking up, in the morning, when the blinds were open, the curtains pushed back, and the morning sun shone right in. The voice was distant, in a way, just like Rami thought. Like waking up, in a daze, while your body desperately tried to lull you back to sleep. But.. The voice. Rami had- He had checked the room, very carefully, there was no way no-one actually was in his room. He-  
"Oh don't be ridiculous. I would never break into someones room you know? I understand having scandals, but my dear, I am a man of class. I wouldn't barge into someone's room, especially a hotel room, for goodness sake."   
Open your eyes. Why couldn't he open his eyes? Or if he had, why couldn't he see anything? Everything was too bright.   
Rami felt his hand, twist, in what felt like silky sheets, definetly not the sheets he had fallen asleep in. Had he been kidnapped? Or drugged? Or- "Calm yourself sweetheart. Like i said, you need rest. And I'm letting you. It's... not a good idea to,.. I suppose, frighten you so soon, so, please, do let me keep your eyes blinded for the time being. I know what's best, trust me I do."  
Who was talking? The familiarity of the voice made Rami almost angry, why couldn't he figure out who it was? He had heard it, so many times, but- "No need to worry about that. Oh, I'm always interrupting you aren't I? But it can't be helped. Not right now. Soon though." Rami felt his body relax, although the reaction did not fit in his odd, odd situation. Was he dreaming? He had to be. "Rami.. i-" Rami felt his body tense again, this person knew his name. He had to know theirs as well, the voice was so hauntingly familiar.

"Rami, listen to me now darling. I want you to know how.. proud I am. And how wicked it is that i cannot be with you, not yet at least. It is, an unfair thing. But listen to me lovely, I am so proud. An-" a loud noise made Rami suddenly feel his whole world disorienting. The pure white colour of his strange surrounding, started to dissolve, and the last thing Rami heard, was a muffled

"O _h_!¡! You _**b**_ lasted, wic **K** e _ **D**_ thing!! ! ¡¡¡¡!! ¡ ¡ ! -------"  
The alarm. It screamed, it yelled, and it confirmed, that it had been a dream. It was a dream... a fucking weird dream. Lucid dreaming, Rami had never really experienced such things. He did know it was possible, common even, not a too surprising case.   
Rami's chest was rising up and down, up and down in a rhythm, too fast, as he inhaled sharply, gasping for air. "....fh... Fuck... f-fuck oh my god what the hell...? What the hell ?... what the fuck?"   
.  
.  
.  
"What the _**hell**_ was that?..."  
  
  
  



	4. Like, a lucid dream? Or...were you, dying?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've....I'm so emotional??? I've been reading the comments, and all of them are so, so sweet, I'm-  
> Thank you so much for all of the comments!!! I read all of them, and all of them make me so so happy!!♡

"Joe, that's a  _horrible_ thing to say!!!" Gwilym's voice had a crack at the punctuation of the word "horrible", that would've made Rami most likely smile, if he wasn't staring at his black coffee, with a deep worried frown. Joe's words echoed in his head  _"what if it was a hallucination? A.. trip to heaven? People have had experiences of like..  seeing heaven.-"_ before Gwilym had interrupted him with his distressed response. 

"Don't be fucking ridiculous mate, all of you, get your assess out of your coffee mugs!" Ben's deep voice resonated inside Rami's head, as he raised his eyes up from his mug to meet Ben's eyes. "You, Rami Malek, were tired. Okay? You were exhausted, you were fucking stressed, and all of the research, learning, information, processing, it's been messing with your head! It wasn't an "out of body experience" or "visiting heaven" or any fucking thing! It was a lucid dream! And because you've never had one before, it obviously freaked you out!" Ben's explenation was reasonable. Very reasonable actually, and it almost made Rami feel better. If it wasn't for one simple detail..

"But the voice. I knew the voice. It was so familiar you guys, so familiar..  the way that... that they talked, and, the way their voice would.. would-..." Rami cut himself off with an unnececarily long gulp from his bitter coffee. Well, at least the cafe had good  _bitter_ coffee. The cast could have stayed at the hotel, they surely wold have been served better coffee there than the cafe they were in , but the moment Rami had burst out of his hotel room to knock on Joe's door, at the early hour of 7:56, to tell him about his insane dream, Joe had texted the rest of the group of four and all had agreed that fresh air would do good. 

"You're probably right, that's a first Ben." Joe's voice, both the voice and the words had Rami smiling. Joe made him feel better..  "Fuck you mate." Ben's response was just as amusing, but a weight still stayed on Rami's shoulders. A worry. Not a worry for his own well being, but rather the worry that the situation of his... mental health, would affect the process of the most important thing at the moment. The movie. The legend. The legacy. And Rami wasn't going to mess it up, even if it meant his mental health would be affected. It wasn't like that hadn't happened before. The Pacific had been draining, and Rami was sure Joe had felt the same. He could handle this-

A sudden feeling swallowed him. A warm, feeling that took a hold of his whole body. Assumingly his friends didn't notice, since no one seemed to be giving him a worried eye. The feeling made Rami feel.... sure. Safe. Protected. ...loved even. "H....hey guys." Rami's voice surprised himself. He wasn't aware of himself speaking....?- "thanks guys. For listening to me. I feel a whole lot better. And actually, I feel a whole lot confident." None of the words he was spouting were his own, he wasn't talking. But he believed himself. He was confident, he could do this. He can! And he will. He won't stop now. "That's the fucking spirit mate!!" Ben's voice interrupted the wave of a strange feeling, as the faces of his smiling friends filled his heart with what seemed to be a wave of encouragement. Let's do this shit!

___________

"Oh, and then theres the operatic section..." 

"The operatic...section..."

"You'll love it! It- uh...line..."

The laughter filled Rami's ears as he felt his cheeks grow warm. Gwilym's laugh was sweet, like a melody. "Sorry...sorry! So sorry, hold on..." Rami laughed and stretched to read his lines, while he felt shuffling behind him. "Don't be too pressured, go over it a few times, and it'll come to you naturally. I'd know! Some of the lyrics I was told to sing were sometimes infuriating to remember, but with Fred, and just his presence, they came naturally." If Rami wasn't aware of everything that was going on by this point, he would have been convinced that Gwilym had teleported behind him, but no. Rami smiled and chuckled, used to the huge teeth by now as he felt a comforting hand lay on his shoulder. "Thanks Brian... And i bet, I can't imagine singing some complex lyrics while hammering the guitar." Rami replied as the chuckle behind him, made him feel proud. Brian's silver curly locks bounced next to him, as the older man sat down, and made the kind, encouraging eye contact the cast were used to by now. "Prehaps a little break. You boys have been working hard-" Brian moved to speak to the microphone that let Gwilym be aware of their conversation in the recording room.  "Gwil, time for a break!" "Alright! Not complaining!" Gwilym's voice yelled back, as Ben got up from his chair, stretching his impressive arms and groaning. "Shit-fuck." He grumbled as his joints let out some complaints, as Joe snickered and sat up as well. "Classy Ben." "Learned it from the best." Ben's response errupted a chuckle in the room, as "the best" let out a grunt of faked offence. "Watch it son! I'm old, and yer in the prime of yer life!" Roger smirked as Ben flashed a smirk. "Thanks!" 

"How about some beers?" Rami suggested while he got up, Ben's moan of agreement made the others chuckle once again. How they ever got anything done, was still a mystery. "Wouldn't mind a cold beer." Roger's gruff voice agreed as his band mate smirked. "When do you not?" "Alright now Bri, I wasn't asking to get attacked!" Roger replied swiftly as the actors sent eachother amused looks. "beer it is! My trailer?" "Aye Aye Rami! Yours it is!"

__________

"And you locked yourself in? Like in a cupboard? Were you not worried you'd suffocate or something?" Joe's, question brought a smile to Rami's lips. Rogers shake of head made him, and the rest of the crew inside Rami's spacious trailer laugh. "Nah nah son, I wasn't thinkin' 'bout that back then. Was too pissed an' determined to get my masterpiece on the god damn fucking B-Side while the rest of the dickwads-" Roger quickly burped into his fist, and continued. "- were too busy screamin' at me. But look where my determination got me! S' on the B-Side ain't it?" Rogers smug smile was clearly a peeve or at least a fake one for Brian, who's face scrunched up. "Ah fuck, I'm winded..." Joe huffed from his spot on the couch and set down his glass, while Brian turned around to face the younger man. "You're what?" "..winded." "winded? What's that?" Joe let out a snicker as Ben smirked while Gwilym shook his head. "It's a saying Brian. Don't worry about it." Joe answered as the older man didn't seem quite satisfied with the answer, but didn't make a further argument. 

"Oh man it's already pretty late.. " Ben mumbled, and with that sentence, Rami felt his stomach drop. Sleep. He would have to do that soon. With the subject in his mind, Rami felt himself thinking. Should he mention his dream to Brian and Roger? No. No, he should not, he didn't want to bother them, and it wasn't like it was too important anyway. Just a strange experience, that would surely not repeat itself. 

Rami was caught off guard when Brian's soft and encouraging voice spoke up. "That's right, it's late. Now children! Off to bed! There's a ten minute walk to your hotel, and that's enough! Now up! up with you!" The younger men let out chuckles as Roger shook his head, while Brian tugged Joe up from the comfy couch. "None of you are too drunk, but don't do anything stupid! Do send me a message when you get to your hotel!" Brian yelled after the four boys, who chuckled to themselves, starting to make their way to the hotel.

_________

**hey! At the hotel. Ben needed some persuading to go to bed without another glass of some hotel bar beer, but we got him to bed. Also, Gwilly is sad drunk, so he went to sleep by listening to 39. Joe went smooth, and I'm about to hit the bed as well. Thanks for the company!**

Rami went through the text one more time before he sent it to the number, "Bri", and set the phone down onto the night stand, as he stared up at the room ceiling. The bed dug snuggly to his back, as the feeling made him feel some dejavu once again. His phone buzzed earlier than he thought it would. Apparently Brian was not as the stereotype goes, and was a fast typer for an elder person. 

**Bri has sent a message-**

**Hello Rami! Good to hear. Hopefully Gwilym feels better, although, he could have asked me to come play and sing for him! Ha ha ha ! Ah Ben, trouble maker, like his old man! Ha ha ! And Joe, like Deacy, good kid. Sleep well Rami! Don't stay up too late! Remember to put up the alarm! Try to take a shower in the morning if you have the time. A cold shower makes you refreshed! Good night! <3**

**\- Bri**

 

Rami chuckled affectionately and set his phone down again, shutting it off and letting out a yawn. Alright... time to sleep....


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahahahahhahahah. Hello. So, ok, if any of ya'll aren't waiting with pitchforks under my window, that makes me feel at least a bit better, and tbh I'm pretty sure no one cares, but I'm still, like, sorry. It literally took me like a year to write this chapter like Jesus Christ- and it's not even good lmao. Pls forgive me :,)

"..mmmh...somebody.... can.... anybody.... what...?" Rami heard himself mumble, quite stupidly as he let out a chuckle at his own messed up timing and messed up lyrics. How come he had been working with this project for so long already, and he still forgot the lyrics to his favorite song? Come on now Malek, get yourself together. 

He hadn't been able to grasp the tail of sleep, but had been able to find his sleepless hours at least a bit relaxing. He had taken a shower, yes, a shower that Brian had recommended he would take in the morning, but in Rami's defence, he hadn't taken a "cold and refreshing shower", the opposite. He had sat in the hotel tub, almost burning himself in the hot water he had run into the tub, and was spraying onto himself with the shower at the same time. He had just sat, and though for a long time, only getting out when the water had ran cold, and when he had realized he had sat in the tub for almost two hours, and the clock was hitting 3.35 in the morning. He would have to, bashfully, explain to his co-actors the reason of his tiredness later in the day, when it would start to affect him, but he wasn't too worried about them. Joe would most likely find it funny, and Ben would just pat him on the shoulder. Gwilym.., Gwilym would most likely scoff and threaten to tell Brian, but would smile and ask for Rami to even attempt to sleep a little better next night. As if Rami had a choice. Rami didn't nececarily want for Brian to figure out though, not that he was particularly worried, but he didn't want to give Brian the illusion that he hadn't cared for Brian's caring message. He also didn't want for Roger to find the chance to knock him out cold, And say "now you can sleep son!"

* * *

 Pulling himself out of he tub, Rami had, shivering and dripping wet, looking like a bathed bulldog, found his way to his bed, where he had accidentally left his towel instead of bringing it to the bathroom. Rami amused himself by remembering a conversation he had had with Joe, much farther back, when they had still been filming for the Pacific, about situations like this,

_"I tell you man, whenever I forget my towel somewhere that isnt my bathroom after I've showered, I do a mad dash, I run like shit, it's terrifyin'. Feel vulnerable and exposed, and worst of all, cold and wet."_

Had been Joe's choice of words. How they had started talking about the subject? Rami had no idea, but it was a fond memory, that Rami could laugh at, when he had sat down onto his bed, and began during himself. Grunting when his arm twisted into a painful position, while trying to get that one difficult damp spot on his back, that his arms could not seem to reach, Rami sighed and gave up, folding his towel and getting up, to bring the towel to the bathroom. 

Rami then, after exiting the bathroom, stomped over to his bed, falling down face first into the cushions with a grunt and a chuckle, and then pulling himself onto his back, and laying there, sprawled out, with only his boxers on and his dampened hair sticking against the pillow, staring up at the ceiling, and then, starting to think back to the peculiar dream, that he hadn't been able to get out of his mind. Because, that damn,... voice. It kept bothering Rami, even when he told himself it wasn't a big deal, it  _isn't_ a big deal, but it bothered him, every time his mind wasn't bothered with work, he thought about it, tried to figure it out, because it was so god damn familiar. Rami knew, he knew he had heard it so many times before.. so many times,... in videos? Songs?... Songs, somewhere in a song, or an interview, or both, it had to be both, it must-

 

 ..?

 

Rami stared up at the ceiling. It was a blank, kind of colour, white, that was just about to turn yellow, a sort of, milky white colour. But blank. Blank like Rami's mind. Rami felt himself grow heavy, yet his head feel light and warm, his heart beating in a steady rhythm, that kind of feelings, when you are about to find the answer for something, and then find it. The calm after a storm, a sort of relief, of figuring it out. But... Rami, didn't... He didn't...

He didn't remember?

He didn't rememebr, thinking about anything, he, didn't remember anything. 

He had taken a shower.. stepped out, went to get his towel, then went to put the towel into the bathroom to dry, came back onto the bed and then.. 

He was ...here? Rami let out a noise of, frustration. He swore he was just thinking about something... something really important, he was just about to figure something out? But what was it? He couldn't remember at all.. It was as if he had been switched on and off and back on again in the middle of something, rebooted, and lost all data of the thing he was just figuring out.

Was he even thinking about anything? Was he actually going to figure something out? Or was it his imagination... was he just exhausted, was it the too warm bathwater?

 

Pushing himself onto his elbows and then groaning at the nauseous feeling he got, his head swimming, as he grunted again, continuing to move, until his hand finally landed to grasp his phone, and turn it on, putting in his password, and quickly swishing his finger through his text contacts, until his thumb landed on a name. Rami felt his stomach twist a little, suddenly realizing how stupid he was being. He was probably fast asleep, tired from the long day he and his mates had given him, there's no way Rami should do this...he shouldn't be so selfish as to bother him now- 

Rami's finger pressed against the button for "call" and Rami's heart almost fell out of his ass. God damn it, oh my god, okay, please don't pick up, please just sleep through it. Rami felt his finger twitch, as he was just about to end the call, until the "dialling .." text disappeared and a voice, a soft, careful voice picked up. 

".. _Rami? Is everything alright? It's very late_."

"God! God fuck- I'm so fucking sorry jesus Christ, I just..  shit...-"

" _Rami! Calm yourself, there's no need to be sorry, don't worry_!-"

"But its so late, I just, called you, you must have been sleeping and i just called so suddenly, that was so stupid of me, I'm sorry Brian-"

" _No! No no my boy, I wasn't asleep, not at all. I have been particularly sleepless this night, I have been awake for a couple or so hours Rami. You did not wake me. Tell me, what made you call? You should be asleep.._!"

Rami felt his breathing hitch a little. How was this legend of a man, able to make everyone feel so safe, even when Rami had accidentally late night booty called him, at 4.03 in the morning? Rami inhaled and tried to find some answer, and in the end, decided to just be honest. 

"Hah- uhmm..  I've- okay... this is strange, so strange, and I'm so sorry, but, I'm freaking out..? I have, something is just wrong, I don't know what it is, but something is wrong. And, I had dream, a few days ago, I already told Ben and Joe and Gwil, they helped, and listened, but, I didn't tell you and Rog. And i mean shit, you don't need to listen to my dreams, you don't need to listen to me at all but i jus-"

" _Rami_?"

Rami felt his heart stop as he spluttered out an answer.

"Ye-yes!? Sorry did-"

" _How would you feel if I came over there? I am sorry, it's a odd request but talking by phone is just a strange thing for an old man like me, especially when you are clearly very shaken up. Would it be alright my lad? It wouldn't be too much of a hassle for you_?"

Rami almost chocked on his sputtering noise between a cough and a laugh, as he shook his head, quite stupidly, since no one saw his movement, but managed to find an answer, or at least some kind of mess of stances.

"H-hassle!? For _me_? God Brian, it would- it's gonna he a hassle for you!- I, Jesus,  look I appreciate it, but you really don't need to! You don't need to get up and come all the way from your room to mine, even though I'm not actually sure where you are staying, but even worse, you really don't need to, I can't ask you to-"

" _My boy, calm yourself!_ "

And Rami shut up, feeling his face heat up in embarrassment and shame, as Brian's calm, comforting voice spoke up again.

" _It won't he a hassle at all in fact. I do want to get out or my little room that I have rented, and I would definetly not mind listening to you voice your concerns. I do know the address and name of the hotel, but, the number of your hotel room would help extremely, if you allow it._ "

"Oh Jesus, yeah, uh,.... yeah yeah, it's floor eight, and the room number is 466, but Brian you really-"

" _Pish posh! I am making my way there, so, if you find it neccecary, do already create some sort of plan on how you will explain, because I will stay until the last drop is squeezed out of your worried brain. I will be there in a half and hour or so, prhepas even twenty minutes if I don't loose my way. I will see you soon Rami._ " 

"..... ha...ha , yeah... yeah see you soon!" 

 

 

Call has been ended.

 

 

"Oh my god, where did I leave my shirt-"

 

 


	6. Under pressure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck. It took me
> 
> Y e a r s
> 
>  
> 
> To come with another chapter 
> 
> Im ashamed

Idiot, stupid, stupid, stupid, idiot, dumbass- Rami let his self depricating thoughts take a hold of his already mushed brain, while his insides twisted, prickled, like he had gulped down a box full of needles. Why, had he done that? How could he have been so immensly selfish, why hadn't he declined? Beacuse it was Brian fucking May, rock legend, and astrophysicist, and Rami, Rami was an anxious, insomniac, over-worrying asshole.

He had bolted out of his bed, so fast he considered if the pain in his back was a friction burn, after the anxiety call, because now, if ever, he needed to get his shit together. Rami had pulled on a different shirt, one that didn't smell like bitter coffee and sweat, and was currently fumbling his way into sweatpants. A look that screamed "its 5 am, and im contemplating my whole existance", but that was the best Rami could do right now.

Checking his phone for the sixth time, for any new possible messages, and also to check the time, Rami scattered to the small kitchen his room had reserved, and out of pure stereotypical instinct, began to brew tea, and if Brian ended up being even more of a stereotypical lovely English chap, Rami would either frantically search for, or order some buiscuits to go with it.

_________

It was almost becoming like a fine art, a pathetic repeating situation, a cycle, of working working working and working, ans rewarding himself with even more work, that had haunted Rami from the first few days that he had began to do research, it had haunted him, and now that Rami stood there, like an idiot, in his own hotel room kitchen, in half-assed decent clothing and a bed-head like never seen before, Rami actually began to contemplate on how he'd never seen it before. The pressure was crushing, comically following the song lyrics almost down to a T, Rami now started to actually see how ridiculous he was being, and only because he couldn't dare to allow himself to take a break. And as pathetic as it was, even if Rami so magically finally came to his senses, at least a bit, to see that all of this mess he had brewn like the boiling tea he was preparing for Brian, as poetic as it was, Rami still wasn't going to take a break. He couldn't, he couldn't possibly be so damn selfish to-

_Knock knock_

"Oh my God are you fucking serious?" Rami heard himself mutter softly, stupidly into the air of his hotel room that had suddenly went from cold to unbearably hot and humid the moment Rami had been pulled from his loud thoughts by the almost way too polite knock at the door. Rami slumped his way to the door, purposely dragging his feet a tad, and telling himself with each step:

"please dont be Brian, please just let it be room servive, please get a text where he says he cancelled, because the situation is alreday so unbearably fucking weird-" And the contrast of the cold handle of the door, against Rami's clammy, sweaty hand made Rami visibly cringe. Rami didn't move his hand from the handle for a few seconds, just keeping it there, and staring stupidly at the wooden door, his eyes as if attempting to pierce through the material to prove that it wasn't fucking Brian Harold May, astrophysicist specializing in interplanetary dust, behind the fucking door, and finally, Rami cursed under his breath and pulled on the handle, opening the door in a swift motion, only to feel all of the still pumping blood in his body turn so indescribably cold, yet warm at the same time.

"..Ah, how good. I almost thought I had the wrong room there for a second! May I come in, Rami?"

_____

Rami was seated on his bed, the mattress dipped under his fragile weight, while the teacup in his hands, let happy warm steam disappear into the air of his hotel room, while Rami stared deep into the liquid of his tea, the orange-brown fluid, turned that colour by his teabag of choise, expecting to see anything else but his own reflection peering back. Or either, he wanted to drown in the boiling water, hoping it'd take him out of his damn misery.

"..Rami, dear boy,.. it is really nothing to worry about, how many times do i need to repeat it until you finally believe me?" Rami looked up to flinch at the kind, too soft, too warm pair of eyes stare at Rami's very soul, drinking in every worry and thought Rami's thick head sprewed, and Rami inhaled shakingly, shaking his head and looking away, unable to keep eye contact for too long, since, God, it was Brian fucking Harold May, sitting on one of the satin cushioned chairs the hotel offered to high class rooms, his experienced and gentle fingers wrapped around his own tea glass as if he was holding the fragility of a broken heart, and Rami wanted to dissapear, the shame and guilt was way too much to handle.

Brian simply hummed, as if all of these things, all of the negative thoughts that surely swarmed around the room, the cold air, as if nothing of it touched even near his form, so calm and collected, so incredibly wise and kind, sitting there, at god knows what time in the morning, evening, night, whatver, listening to Rami's problems as if he was his therapist, and not a walking talking legend. "..it's unfortunate, its so unfortunate Rami, and quite unfair in fact, since you are working yourself almost literally down to the bone, it's not fair you have these god awful things running through your head. I'm glad you called me." Brian hummed into his cup before taking a sip, while Rami sat there, wanting to ask _"how can you be **glad**?!" _

"God knows i was quite out of options myself!" Brian laughed softly, a melody all on it's own, and Rami was quick to ask: "W-what do you mean?" Brian hummed again, looking to his left, where Rami's room held an exceptionally large sized window that allowed a nice view to the lights and business of the still dark city outside. "I have trouble sleeping every once or twice as well. Its a habit i never really grew out of, staying up late, writing and yelling at the rest of the three to stop their ruckus and head to bed. All of the shows and busyness, never stopped, until well, now, even if the busyness still definetly isn't done and over with!" Brian explained and Rami couldn't help himself this time either, for all of the other times that Brian ever talked to Rami, which was quite often, he still felt immersed with each and every word, sentance, everything, how could he not? "Yeah, i get it, i mean, i surely dont have it as bad as you do, or did bu-" "enough with that kind of talk Rami, you really don't haveany buisness talking about yourself like that, so degradingly!" Brian spoke sternly, and Rami tightened his grip around the teacup severely, looking down and sighing deeply, nodding. "Sorry." "Dont apologize to me, you goon! To yourself, have some mercy why don't you? Panic attacks, anxiety attacks, degrading and self depricating thoughts, whatever it is that you had tonight, its all normal, and can happen at any time of the day or night, do not put yourself down for being human!"

_"But Freddie wasn't human"_... Rami found himself thinking in the back of his mind, sighing again and taking a sip of his tea.

"Freddie was human!"

Rami swallowed slowly, letting the hot substance fall down his throat, to somwhere into his stomach, as he looked up slolwy, from his cup, to stare at Brian, who stared back. "...what?" "Ah. Ehm. Hm. What i meant was that, Freddie for example, was human! He had such thoughts as well, i remember him coming to talk with me from time to time, and even as an image, such a strong and powerful image he put out to the world, he had his problems too, Rami, you know this." Rami listened, of course paying attention once again, but, before he could open his mouth to ask something, Brian beat him to it with a way quicker paced, almost a bit frantic exclamation;

"It was just an example i thought of in the moment, and of course relevant to your work!!"

Rami nodded slowly, and again, before he could get a word in, the subject was changed quickly. "The dream!!" "Huh?" "The dream you told me about while you prepared us tea earlier,-" "oh yeah, what about it?" "Do you remember anything? Anything at all?" Brian's hopeful tone made Rami smile a tad, as he shook his head, mumbling; "not, not really no... just, i sort of remember... getting somwhere, you know? Not physically!! But, as if getting somwhere with an idea, i was figuring something out.. but, i really don't remember much else.." Rami mumbled, while the curly headed brilliance a few meters from him nodded, eyes squinted in thought.

"I see. Well, unfortunate, but normal. The brain is wacky like that, leading somewhere and ending up nowhere. But, Rami,..-" Rami raised his eyes to look at the guitarist, who stared back, the wise, experienced eyes of Brian glimmering in the soft light, as he continued; "- ... I think you should just forget about it. It was just a dream, and ... _surely_ , shouldn't happen again. But, if something similar does happen, Rami, i advice you, to _**tell me**_. Do not stay silent." Brain stated calmly, his tone comforting, with an edge to it which Rami couldn't quite place, as he nodded, his messy hair bouncing, as he squeezed his hands around his cup. "..yeah. of course. Thanks Brian, for helping. And coming all this way, just to listen to me." Rami smiled, while his chest echoed with a feeling of unease, of something being left incomplete, but was brushed aside, when Brian got up, setting his cup down onto the mahogany table, and smiled, extending his hand for Rami to grasp, which the shorter man did, pushing himself up. "Of course Rami. Now, why don't we head out? A walk could surely do you good." Brian suggested as Rami hummed in agreement, nodding and looking around for more warmer clothing. "Yeah, that sounds great. And you're right Brian, like always, maybe i really should just not worry about it." Rami mumbled while in search for a jacket, missing the look Brian sent somewhere far out of the window, a heavy casted stare, as Brian hummed back: "Yes. Yes i really think _you shouldn't worry about it."_


End file.
